There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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