I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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