I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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