you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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