my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
