I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
