If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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