Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
