peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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