Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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