happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
