I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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