You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
