I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
