It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
