what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
