I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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