ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
