dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
