I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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