genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
