Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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