he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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