if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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