I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Alive.
So much puke
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
