I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
