I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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