I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
