I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
