Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
