My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
