I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
