i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
