one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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