Kiss
Puke
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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