apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
