Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
