Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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