the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
