I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize