i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
