i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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