i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
