i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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