I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So here I am, sexting at work.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
