Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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