her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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