if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize