I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
