cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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