I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
