I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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