I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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