He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
my liver is dry heaving
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
