Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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