Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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