Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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