so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
