You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and she was petting her beer can
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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