So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
