i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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