You just made me feel so damn special
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
