so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
