My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
