My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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