I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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