you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize