he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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