I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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