I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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