Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
