made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
