TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
