Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
